Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8