[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
when nothing goes right… go left
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor