Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Great Canadian literature.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood