Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Seek kebab; not attention