[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?