[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.