[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
