[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
You Might Also Like
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
This is my brand.
lost dog
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Breaking news:
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here