[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
A great tip. #CakeRex
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter