Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now