Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.