Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!