Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying