Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Sure. Why not?

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Thanks to a fan for this one.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.