Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
barbara was highly relatable
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.