Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk