*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!