*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
