Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Thinking about a snail with a limp

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid