[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.