[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
*gets down on one knee*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
(grounding my kid) go outside.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*