Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

My favorite female superhero

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Aight bet

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

This hospital has everything

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please