Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors