[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
GM✌🏻
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
