[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
this is literally a CIA plant
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
