[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Very good news from my accountant
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
shut up and take my money
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
