*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
#ProTip
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
this got me crying😭😭
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.