Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

Natty or not?

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for