Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

uh oh

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon