Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.