Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.