Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.