[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal