Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?