[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.