Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

“i miss shittin on people”

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics