Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

linkedin the good parts

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.