Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.