Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here