Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Cat is stressing him out.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.