Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
You Might Also Like
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE