Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

I’m crying im so happy for them

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

My wife gives the best headache.