Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The best shot in the history of golf
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense