Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*