[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?