[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
