Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.