[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Canadian owl: Eh?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
