Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there