Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.