Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
You Might Also Like
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Planet of the Apps.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
