Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I have two kinds of followers
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
the short answer to this question
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m going to need a moment here.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?