<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Got ya covered
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.