<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
You Might Also Like
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm