*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
You Might Also Like
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
PLEASE READ
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”