Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Oops I deleted….

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.