Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????