Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

another case of gang violins

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Priorities

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming