Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

Don’t we all.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

Erm…

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.