I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?