Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Sure. Why not?

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Sing it!

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium