Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

you’re so productive for your wage

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.