Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

emergency phone

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in