Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

when you order from DoorDastardly

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.