Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

BRO LMFAO

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.