Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night