[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
You Might Also Like
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
neighborhood watch
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.