*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist