Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

This 4th of July, please remember…

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

🎵 I can’t wait to

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”