@novicefather

*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”

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@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@Julian_Deane

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

@Carbosly

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

@upsidedowntrash

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?