Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Fun Things

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!