**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
But I really needed water water water
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.