Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind