*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
so much to do
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
They’re called werewolves.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.