*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.