*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
3% human
97% stress
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
