*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
You Might Also Like
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.