*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
You Might Also Like
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Dumple
